Dear President Jonathan,

I’m ashamed of myself. I want to apologize for my heartless abuse of your meek and gentle self. Please accept my sincere apologies.

I did not mean any harm. If I had known that you were as fragile as an egg, I would have been massaging your tiny ego instead of throwing darts to strengthen your muscles.

Just like you, Mr. President, I want to move Nigeria forward. I want to do it in a gentleman’s way – without shedding any sweat. But I have seen that Nigeria is such a heavy load that anyone involved in that venture must be ready to perspire.

Despite the impression I must have given over the years as a professional critic, I am a thoughtful man. I know it must be hard being the president of a dysfunctional country like Nigeria. But I did not know it was this hard. And surely, you did not have the slightest idea how hard it would be when you allowed your name on the ballot.

At a non-denominational service to mark Nigeria ’s 51st Independence Day, you lashed out at me and other critics of yours. I truly deserve it. But your frustrations drew no sympathy in me.

As a member, in good standing, of the National Association of Armchair Critics (Home and Abroad), I want to respond to you.

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